Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Sucks


1.  Lisbeth Salander is the kind of lesbian we like: a fake one  
         Like movie lesbians tend to do, Lis has a single lesbian scene, which is clunky and alcohol fueled, and later throws herself at Daniel Craig and falls in love with him.  It makes us guys feel awesome and keeps conservative moms from storming out of the movie theater.  
         She is a caricature of every social outsider who has ever appeared in fiction.  And sticks out like a sore thumb in a movie populated by ultra boring characters.  Nobody else even has the slightest quirk, and she is a man hating goth lesbian genius level hacker with a drug problem and a terrible hair cut.  

(could have sworn we saw this character already)

(the brains)
(the style)
(goth "bad-assedness"  brooding.  hatred.  vengeance.  they basically ripped off the entire character)
(social nonacceptance)

(Yes, three hours of her)

This character is so over the top and out of place, this is what it's like: 

(The Sopranos, starring Big Bird)

Reminds me of another ultra boring, 3 hour snoozefest,  cardboard movie with an insane character that makes no sense.
(There's like no blood, but there is a character that speaks like a cartoon character in a laughable, unrecognizable accent.  Watch this movie again, imagining that Daniel Day Lewis is a retarded person, and it seems to make more sense.)

Another example of what Lisbeth is Like
Tommy Wiseau's performance in The Room is more believable than Lisbeth in The Girl with the title too long to type.  

More Overacting in bad accents

(Have you seen the 6 minute preview for this movie?  You can't understand Bane at all.
Can't wait for this match-up.  Unintelligible Scottish accent through a leather mask vs. hoarse grunting in mascara.  Summer movie magic. Thank god for the Avengers.)

Now we're way off topic.  But Seriously, Lisbeth's character is fucking stupid.

2.  More endings than Lord of the Rings
          a.  Lisbeth witnesses the flaming death of the bad guy and rescues Daniel Craig.  The scene goes black.
          b.  Another bad guy, barely mentioned in a by-line at the beginning of the movie, gets all his money stolen by Lisbeth in a ridiculous montage set to techno music.  Another cut to black.  
          c.  They find the supposed dead girl alive--the whole point of the movie was to find her killer--and she is reunited with her family who thought she had been dead the whole time.  Why didn't she just contact them when she was interviewed by Daniel Craig the in the first place and asked, "Who killed this girl?"  Another fade to black.  
          d.  Lisbeth, goes to Daniel Craig's house to give him some heartfelt gift that I can't even remember now--that's how important it was to the story--and sees that he's with a normal looking woman that doesn't have ridiculous bangs.  The End for real.  

3. What the hell was this movie even about? 
         The major plot of the movie is that Daniel Craig and Lisbeth are hired to find a girl's killer.  She ends up being alive the entire time, and has been a person they know.  That was easy.  We didn't even have to look.  Why the hell did this movie even happen?
The "killer" had been sending the man who hired the 2 super sleuths framed flowers every year since the girl's "death."  This is never explained.  I guess it was the girl?  Probably just plot convenience.  Seriously, they have a picture of the girl and talk to her adult self without noticing it's her.  it had only been like 20 years.  It's not like she's Michael Jackson.  

(Excuse me Madame, Have you seen my son?)


  1. I realize it's been over a year since this came out but it made me laugh. As a recovering punk girl addict, this movie was like giving whiskey to an AA for me. This post brings me back to reality. Thank you sir.

  2. Punk girl addiction? I bet those were some wild times. Well, you know a man can only be given a yeast infection so many times before he realizes something in his life needs to change:)
    Glad to have helped.

    1. No, no, nothing like that :). It's just that I thought these sorts of chicks were hot until I realized they were about as realistic as big bird.

  3. You should see the swedish version aka the original because the american one sucked! I was extremely disappointed when I found out that David Fincher directed this because he is one of my favorite directors. Also, the reason everyone is so bland is because in sweden (my home country I should add) is not very eclectic with fashion and personality so her look was more to provoke than to be a "goth lesbian hacker". Another problem is that the american version didn't complete the TRILOGY and therefor there isn't as much background on lisbeth and why she is how she is so yeah thats just my 2 cents.